As the world changes and technology develops, kids have more and more access to the internet and social media. In fact, 50% of 11-year-olds have a cell phone and upwards of 90% of 14-year-olds have one. It can be incredibly challenging to figure out how to navigate tech, especially when many parents of teens didn’t even have social media to use at that age. But there’s no opting out of dealing with social media for teens.
As a parent, you may have read some of the recent books and articles about the dangers of creating anxiety or affecting teen mental health by allowing kids to have phones. The data is pretty clear that kids who have increasing use of social media, especially Snapchat, tend to have higher levels of depression and anxiety. Parents are looking for answers to understand, and somehow remedy: How does social media affect mental health?
Still, you might be reading this thinking, “Okay, but how can I see my kid’s location or pick them up after sports?” Even more difficult to navigate is, “How do I say no when all of their friends use social media as their only communication?” The internet and social media are likely here to stay — so while the data continue to point to too much use being problematic, we have to find ways to help our kids navigate moderation in technology.
Here are some tactics to help you mitigate some of the negative effects of social media and even help to turn them into potentially positive effects of social media.
Cell Phone Contracts and Rules to Follow
The First Phone
If your child is constantly asking for a phone and/or social media, you may feel hesitant. The right time for a phone is decided by each family, but you should encourage your child to make a list of pros and cons of having a phone and write a contract around the rules they will use it for. Some research says it’s best to wait until eighth grade, but we know that’s not feasible for every family.
Consistency is Key
Once you set the phone contract rules, you cannot budge on them. This is one of the hardest parts! If the rules are broken, decide in advance on the consequences.
Talking About Social Media
Fear mongering does not work, but teaching the basics does. Remind kids that there is no such thing as disappearing messages; once it’s there, it can be screenshot or shared inappropriately. Also talk about ways to check that they are communicating with a friend versus a stranger. Better yet, if you decide to block messaging, talk to them about it and let them know why.
Promoting Good Sleep Habits
Many children end up getting less sleep once they get phones. Make a deal within the phone contract about what time phones need to be put away. The best decision is time-out phones live in the hallway or kitchen, not their bedroom.
Monitor Social Media and Mental Health
Developmental Appropriateness
Remember that the main purpose of teens’ brains is to test boundaries, become more independent, and to start to handle things on their own. Opening your child’s cell phone every night and reading it can deteriorate the trust, however talking about which things you do need to know about sets expectations.
Phone Rules
Make phone rules in the contract that make sense for your family. For example, maybe there are no phones at dinner. Whatever the rules are, you should also follow them as a parent. It helps model for teens how to manage work, phones, and socialization.
Apps for Monitoring
There are a variety of apps you can use (such as Life360 and Bark) to monitor your kids’ activities — without reading every text. No one needs the middle school gossip, but we do need to know if something is wrong. Bark is amazing for screening dangerous things such as bullying, mental health issues, suicidality, and violence.
Keep Communication Open
Be Honest About Your Monitoring
Talk to your child about how you will keep track of or monitor their phone use. Being up front helps them not feel as upset. Additionally, it gives them a chance to let friends know that a parent will see the content if the content turns mean or bullying. This also gives your kid an excuse if they need to bow out of inappropriate conversations.
Go Into Their World
As a parent of a teen and a tween, I download the apps they download; I am on TikTok, and I can see what’s happening real-time. This also gives a jumping off point for conversational topics they’re interested in. The more you talk to your teens about the fun things, the more likely they are to talk to you about the hard things.
Check In Regularly
Take the time to ask your teen or tween how they think social media is going and if there are any issues that have come up.
Offer Text Messaging as a Form of Communication
Sometimes kids feel very awkward bringing information to you they saw on the internet or experienced with friends. You can try a text check-in on this topic, which may help them feel less nervous, and have it slowly become a regular way of sharing their concerns.
Learn More
For more guidance on helping your child build healthy habits for media use, explore our Nemours KidsHealth® library of medically reviewed resources. If you’re concerned about changes in behavior in your child, reach out to your pediatrician.
